Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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