Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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