We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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