Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
How naked do you want me to be?
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
