the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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