last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
