Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Randomize
