I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Randomize
