I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize
