I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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