god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
