He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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