I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
