toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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