he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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