That reminds me...we need to get swords
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Randomize
