I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
