i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
