i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
you didnt know i had herpes?
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
