Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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