I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
did i just pee glitter
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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