She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Randomize
