My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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