I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
We had sex on a dog bed..
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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