Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Randomize
