I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
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