I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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