I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
do herpes really smell.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
