You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize