areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
