What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
