yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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