cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
