I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
i love accidental penises.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
