he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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