Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
