I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
