he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
