I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
