Plan B is the new Plan A
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
i've created a new STD.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
