i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
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