shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
