I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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