I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
