i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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