I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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