I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
