We're facebook friends in real life
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
