Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
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