dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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